Hello World!
The drive was long to my doctor’s appointment, almost an hour, and I remember thinking why do I keep going to these appointments? They are always a disappointment. Hine sight is 20/20 as we all know, and I if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have gone to the doctors at all once I knew Gracie’s diagnosis. They weren’t doing anything of value for me anyhow. They were ONLY telling me my daughter, Gracie, was going to pass away. So, why did I keep going back to hear that? They couldn’t fix her, they couldn’t do anything for her. They were collecting a paycheck. I also felt the coldness from the doctor as well, like I was just a number. I remember at one of our appointments, she came in, and looked at Josh and I and said, “oh well, it looks like things are looking good!” Josh and I looked at each other like she was from another planet. Then, she looked at the file closer that was in her hands and realized she was talking about a different patient. Yes, she came into our room not even knowing whose room she was going in to. I mean, wow, right?! Again, why did I go back to hear their depressing news?
In hope’s to prove them wrong and to learn that Gracie had made improvements. I wanted so badly for her to survive and beat the odds!
God was always in control, and no doctor can predict when anyone will die. God decides our time.
Here is what I wrote in my journal entry on the Caring Bridge Site.
September 30, 2013
Today (19 weeks) I went in to St Mary’s to check Gracie’s heartbeat. She has had little movement in the last few days and I didn’t have any good feelings about today. I already was crying for miss Gracie waiting for the doctor to come in to check her on the monitor. At first glance, her heart beat was so very slow I thought it would stop at any moment. Doctor said it could be because of the low amniotic fluid that her rate is so low..the umbilical cord may be getting pinched. But her heart rate went up into the 170s as we were watching her move. The cystic hygroma is so large that it is taking up all the space and the amniotic fluid is very very low. Doctor predicts she will pass in the next couple of weeks. If Gracie passes she will be considered a still born and we will be delivering her at St. Mary’s. There will be some kind of funeral arrangement/service for her that St. Mary’s offers. Emotionally, this is so painful and hard to bare each and every day not truly knowing the outcome of this terrible situation our family is currently inside of. I hope to find peace in God and try to understand one day why Gracie and our family is going through this.
Looking back, I was trying to find peace in God, but back then, I didn’t know the loving Heavenly Father like I know today. At that time, I thought I was being punished, which simply wasn’t true. It was a trial our family went through so I could find Jesus, my salvation to eternal life. Plain and simple. When I state above that I was trying to find understanding as to why our family was going through what we were going through…I now know. His plan is, and will always be the most perfect plan anyone could ever dream up. I need to lean on that and trust in His plan alone and walk with Him through it, always.
Many Blessings,
Gina, The Butterfly Mum
If you missed # 3 Story about Miss Gracie, here is the link.
Psalm 62:7 In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.
